I would like to take this opportunity to burst a little dream I’m sure all of you have: that computer techies know what they’re doing. You come in with your sick PC, tell the techie everything you’ve done so far, as well as your preliminary diagnosis, and he nods knowingly and assures you he’ll make everything better in a day or two. Then he disappears with your PC into the back room.

Now, I’m sure you have an idea that the techie hooks a bunch of cables from your computer to a much bigger, more expensive, and WAY more impressive computer, then runs a program with a name like “System Diagnostics” on the Cool Computer, and then goes off and surfs the net until the Cool Computer beeps and prints out a message like:

***
Diagnosis Complete.
Problem Detected: Damaged I/O chip on Inverter Drive.
Recommended Course of Action: Replace I/O chip.
Estimated Repair Cost: $15
Estimated Repair Time: 30 seconds
Suggested Bill for Customer: $135
***

The reality is, if you were to walk back into that back room, you’d see a bunch of techies screaming and cussing at your computer and beating it with screwdrivers.

Of course, there are the times that someone brings in a computer with a “problem” so obvious (power switch not turned on) that the techies roll their eyes and talk about an “I-D-ten-T” error (“ID10T”), but for the most part, techies go through the exact same frustrations in fixing your computer that you went through trying to fix it yourself.

Our workbench is a couple of old tables, covered with linoleum, hideosly scratched and scarred. (And are those . . . burn marks?! I don’t even want to know.) We have several old monitors set up to plug the computers into – but they are so old, they’re virtually unreadable. My last year at college, I fished an old (but functioning) monitor out of the dumpster. Five years later, my mom (bless her heart!) is still using that monitor. The ones we use at work are worse. (My dad, very nobly, gave my mom the “good” monitor. The one he’s using is black-and-white. I think my dad likes it that way. Of course, he writes books out longhand with a fountain pen, and then types them into the computer when they’re ready for publication. To each his own, I guess.)

---

An actual conversation I overheard today at work, with the incomprehensible technobabble replaced by a bracketed summary:

Techie A: “Whenever you get a chance, could you [perform standard routine X] to this computer? I’ve got to take care of [business Y].

Techie B: “If you would, please, remind me in a little bit; I’m sure I’ll forget. In fact, I’ve already forgotten. I wasn’t really listening to you at all.”

Techie A: “That’s okay. I haven’t been listening to [Techie C] all morning.”

Last comment made to Dann about my blog: “I really don’t feel comfortable unless I have homework to do. I really, really don’t feel comfortable unless I have homework I’m putting off.”