My grandmother died this past week. We found out when someone sent us the obituary.
She was my step-grandmother. My biological grandmother died when I was one, and my grandfather remarried when I was about 3-4, so she was really the only grandmother I knew on that side of the family. It was good that my grandfather remarried. My parents came to visit him before he remarried, and they found him cooking potatoes in the fireplace, because the only cooking he knew how to do was what he learned in the European campaigns against Hitler. She took care of him until he died, sixteen years later.
Somehow, though, she never warmed up to her new grandchildren (my sister and me). She was never mean, just standoffish and unaffectionate. She was a widow and already had a family from the previous marriage. Maybe she thought that was enough. My mom says she just didn’t know how to express affection the way we did as a family.
Not too long after my grandfather died, she went to live in an assisted living community, and then from there to a nursing home. Her own children lived in the area, but her stepchildren (my mom and uncle) lived in different states. After my grandfather’s funeral, I never saw her again. I guess everyone just tacitly acknowledged that there wasn’t really much relationship to preserve. My mom went to visit her a few times, and tried to call her regularly, but several times she would call and nobody would answer. She’d call her biological children, who would give updates on what was happening medically, but they never voluntarily called my mom to give any information. It was pretty clear that they considered her marriage to my grandfather to be something like a sixteen-year intrusion into their lives, and wanted us to go away and let their family go back to being like it used to be, so my mom let communications lapse.
Someone sent us the obituary last week. There was no mention of her marriage to my grandfather, or to us as surviving family.
For my part, I never held any grudge against her, nor do I have any memory of any time she “wronged” me. I just feel sad that I never had the close relationship with her that I had with my other grandparents, and think of what could have been.
She was my step-grandmother. My biological grandmother died when I was one, and my grandfather remarried when I was about 3-4, so she was really the only grandmother I knew on that side of the family. It was good that my grandfather remarried. My parents came to visit him before he remarried, and they found him cooking potatoes in the fireplace, because the only cooking he knew how to do was what he learned in the European campaigns against Hitler. She took care of him until he died, sixteen years later.
Somehow, though, she never warmed up to her new grandchildren (my sister and me). She was never mean, just standoffish and unaffectionate. She was a widow and already had a family from the previous marriage. Maybe she thought that was enough. My mom says she just didn’t know how to express affection the way we did as a family.
Not too long after my grandfather died, she went to live in an assisted living community, and then from there to a nursing home. Her own children lived in the area, but her stepchildren (my mom and uncle) lived in different states. After my grandfather’s funeral, I never saw her again. I guess everyone just tacitly acknowledged that there wasn’t really much relationship to preserve. My mom went to visit her a few times, and tried to call her regularly, but several times she would call and nobody would answer. She’d call her biological children, who would give updates on what was happening medically, but they never voluntarily called my mom to give any information. It was pretty clear that they considered her marriage to my grandfather to be something like a sixteen-year intrusion into their lives, and wanted us to go away and let their family go back to being like it used to be, so my mom let communications lapse.
Someone sent us the obituary last week. There was no mention of her marriage to my grandfather, or to us as surviving family.
For my part, I never held any grudge against her, nor do I have any memory of any time she “wronged” me. I just feel sad that I never had the close relationship with her that I had with my other grandparents, and think of what could have been.
posted by Mark at 2/21/2015 02:12:00 PM
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